I love the comfort of home but the emotions that arise when I realize I’m heading home these past few days are overwhelming. Even when I’m away from home, I try to enjoy friends and the things I love all while this heavy feeling surrounds my heart and restrain me from truly enjoying the moment. It’s almost as if this imaginary leash has a hold of me from the inside out. I knew shortly after you came to live with us that I was in trouble. I wanted a dog, a friend, someone that would help me get outside and enjoy the simple and most treasured things in life, nature. However I neglected to consider something important, just how much I could truly love. It had been many years since I had a pet, whether a dog, a cat, or a horse. But through you I remembered just how much I enjoyed the outdoors. The smells, the energy and the beauty of the things that we take for granted every day. Life in its simplest form, but truly one of the richest things we are afforded in this life.
I have felt loss. The loss of a close friend, a parent, my sweet grandmother, a mentor, but my little 4 legged friend? Maybe as an adult we bond in such a different way that we have this deep understanding of each other’s needs. Or maybe there is just something special between you and your pet. I felt you understood me, as if you could see clear through to my soul. I can only hope that I truly understood your needs. You required a quiet home, a place where you could live in peace and not be reminded of your difficult start into this world. I did my best to give that to you and we were happy.
I’ve known as you have aged that time was coming. I begged that God would take you quietly in the night, selfishly because I didn’t want to have to make the difficult decision of “it’s time”. I watched for signs over the last year. I didn’t want you to suffer but I didn’t want to let you go. When will I know was constantly in the back of my mind. As summer approached, knowing we would swim, walk the yard, enjoy the sun in the yard you began to slow down.
The mention of swimming brought excitement to your eyes, but instead you stood on the water’s edge. I didn’t recognize at the time, you were telling “my time is coming”. You would be vibrant at times, and other times curling up in the warm sun was all you needed, you were letting me know “my time is near” Then I started to recognize you may be hiding something from me as I would find you in strange scenarios that seemed out of character for you. You were letting me know that “Our time is limited, but I’m not ready to leave just yet”.
Sunday you revealed to me your secret. I don’t think you wanted me to know, but you could no longer hide it. Sure it’s something that we could have attempted to treat. But was that what you needed? I opened myself up to recognize that although you did have options that would allow you to be by my side, you were suffering. You weren’t yourself and I needed to make sure that you would have a comfortable passing and not risk one where you might be frightened and alone.
On Monday you gave me the sign I needed and I made that call. I let you go…. It truly was beautiful , peaceful, and just as you needed.
I have been weeping, sobbing, and wishing I could take it back, but our time has passed. I knew it would be hard, but I never realized just how hard. You have given me more than I ever imagined and my only hope now is that I can someday allow myself to love another as I have loved you. I would like to believe that my little rescue dog has left so that I may one day rescue another.
Till that day comes, I will keep wishing that I will hear your footsteps coming down the hall. You will always be my girl, my best friend, my Miems.